A New Beginning

I don’t even know what day it is.

I have not blogged in days…I know I suck. 

I sit at my commuter needing to talk to someone who has answers, someone who will tell me what to do, and someone who will tell me that I’m not crazy and I’ll be alright. But I don’t think that person exists. 

I do not know what next year holds and that terrifies me. I don’t know where I will be living, who I will be living with, or where I will be going to school. 

Plans fall through and life isn’t fair. My super conservative Christian school does not let people live off campus until they are 21 (do not even get me started on that), but since they are rapidly growing they sent out an email about a month ago saying they were letting people apply to live off campus. I applied because I seriously dislike living on campus. I am an introvert and do not handle being around people 24/7 well. Unlike most people today, I like being alone and I value that time. People kept telling me I should get accepted (to be a temporary commuter), there’s no reason I shouldn’t (and there isn’t) so I was expecting to get it. I was going to live in an apartment with my best friend and commute. That was the plan. But I learned on Friday that I was denied. Everything I saw in my future, all that I was counting on, crumbled. That has never happened to me before. I have been very blessed in my life and I try not to expect too much. I’ve learned when you do that you just get let down. But I just wanted this so bad. I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted anything that bad. I realize that may sound really dumb, it’s just living on or off campus, but it seemed like my ticket out. Out of the dumb drama, the annoying girls, the random boys in and out of my living space, and the fact that I don’t feel myself. I think being around people so much has made constantly grouchy and irritable and bitter. And that’s not me.

I have less than five days to figure out what I’m doing and that is terrifying. I need answers and I need answers fast. 

Maybe my problem was planning. I let myself get too comfortable in my future. What I wanted when I wanted. God works in funny ways. 

Day 39

It’s weird how fast things turn around. You’re feeling good about life and then all of the sudden you’re bummed. For no real reason. It happens the other way too, it’s just a good change so it’s less noticeable. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl, and an extra emotional one at that.

Unfortunate.

Day 38

I wish guys and girls could be merely friends, just friends without any feelings ever. I’ve never seen it happen, so I’m forced to believe it can’t. Girls over think and guys don’t think.  All I want is a dude who will just be my friend, who I won’t ever have liked, or vice versa (ha!), but I don’t think that’s possible because that’s not how God made us. 

I wish he did though. I think everyone needs a true friend of the opposite sex. 

Day 37: Lyrics

It’s your love we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid, Don’t be afraid

Just set yourself and risk the oceans
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace

Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me
Where you go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh God send me

It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You

Day 35

The past two days

• $5 hair cut (even though it took two hours because the chick didn’t really know what she was doing)
• laughter
• talking
• Home
• Best friend with me
• new phone
• good food
• moves

Day 33

I got to see my best friend today so it was a good day. 

I am stoked for tomorrow. Why?

Because:

• I’m getting my haircut for five dollars
• I get to go home and see my family
• My best friend is coming with me
• I get my new phone (if not tomorrow then Saturday)

Day 32

It is officially February. The month of love. Barf.

I am so thankful for grace and forgiveness. 

Life is good. Friends are good. God is good.